How To Properly Wish Your Little Sister A Happy Birthday

Since I am currently 3,000 miles away from the child I raised yet tried to avoid most of my teenage life by pretending I was a deaf-mute; I found myself in a bit of a pickle on how to properly say “Happy Birthday you little slut sister!”  All while shoving her face into a fancy cake I bought somewhere ( yet pretended I spent hours baking… because shit if I’m not a sucker for trying to guilt someone any chance I get).  Distance is definitely putting a damper on how I express my elation at the birth of my youngest sister.

The other day though, while speaking with the young troll pigeon she mentioned how much she missed me…. that she found herself reading my blog posts over and over everyday just to feel close to me ( stalker status, right?). She even for a second thought of taking out a craigslist ad to replace me. (Obviously this girl is sick with sadness. I could NEVER be replaced, NEVER.)

Even though replacing me would be impossible, a little light in me went on and said:  Hey may be you can find her a Craigslist Sister to do all the things you hate doing…. like watching Twilight while recapping the Kardashian’s in a high-pitched voice…. GENIUS!

So here I am, continuing to be the best sister EVER, and finding someone to do all the crap I hate doing to keep my little  troll sister company for her birthday.  I totes see why she misses me… I’m amazing.

I’m just confused on which ad to run. What do you think?

Option A) Little Sisters Ad. ( It’s how she sees my role in her life)

Seeking a fun and pretty sister. Must love singing and dancing all crazy in the car while driving an hour to whatever restaurant food we’re craving. While not mandatory, tossing your weave like no other is appreciated, especially after I compliment you… it let’s me know you appreciate me. Must be ok with sharing your bed… only because I don’t feel like cleaning up the mess I made.


Option B) The job the new sister is really signing up for (it’s how I see my role in her life):

Young Female wanted to play the part of doting older sister to a soon to be 19-year-old. Must posses the patience of a saint ( the girl likes to go on and on about stuff… don’t ask me about what kind of stuff, I’m not being asked to pay attention like you are). Must be able to decipher exaggerations and act accordingly. In other words not everyone is a demon that needs an exorcism performed. However, this girl does run with a demonic crowd (my family) so carry some holy water on you in case you need to make a run for it. Must be able to understand what ” yea, kind of, but no not really, I guess.” means<<<<<< this is her answer to all important life questions. Must love cats, liking will not suffice. Her life’s ambition is to become a Cat Lady (she is half way there) .  Must be okay with not having any personal space… troll likes to be all up in your grill like she’s your shadow.  Must understand that she has an inner bimbo stuck inside her “I’m totally an adult” demeanor. For example, she will give you life advice and at the same time go ” Omg! how cute, this peanut butter has OMG in it ” Opposed to Zero milligrams of  whatever healthy stuff peanut butter cups lack. Girl is always hungry, so unless you want to be eaten … it is mandatory you know how to cook. (on the plus if you cook, she will usually treat you to some ice cream… she’s totally the reason I’m fat). Girl also likes to shop and requires bi-weekly trips to Target where you have to talk her off the ledge of spending her life savings on nail polishes ( btw, from personal experience, do not touch her nail polishes, bitch gets aggressive).

Happy birthday my little Reese’s Peanut Butter McFlurry! I miss you and hope you have the best birthday of your teenage years (considering it’s the last of your teenage years. Treasure them before you become an old hag like you know who.) Hope Craigslist brings a another sister half as swell as me!

Oh and Jessica, once again your present is ME! Lucky Bitch. *you always get everything*


As always I hope the Good Lord continues to look after you and brings you more drag queens. Drag Queens make everything better.

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