I start this post, like I do most others… it’s been awhile. So, let me update you: since you last read my latest masterpiece; I became an even older broad. Yes, I tuned 31 [please insert Louisiana style funeral procession music, it’s a sound I need to get accustomed to, although if you think about it, once I kick the bucket, I won’t be hearing it… so insert whatever music will help you get over the pain of losing one of America’s sweethearts to the other side. Play anything you like… anything except country, I refuse to have you mourn my loss to country… unless of course said country song involves tractors or running away from your wife, OR my favorite bashing some kind of vehicle because your once love interest ran away with someone else).
In the past, when I was younger, I would usually have the energy to list x amount of things I would accomplish by my next birthday. This year, however, pure
laziness age caught up with me, and I came to the realization it’s much easier to give crappy advice than having to do things that require energy and shit I am now of the age where I must pass down the wisdom I have acquired to those ready to embark upon escapades of their own.
So here, I bestow upon you sage advice from an old broad, who managed to get into a lot of trouble without having to do more than a couple of hours in jail.
1. It is much easier to find yourself when you’re not surrounded by people who already know who you are. Therefore fly little bird fly to a place no one knows you so you can create who you want to be.
2. Live life in the moment, not haunted by your past, or paralyzed by a future that may not even happen. I find that the things I regret are those decisions I made in thinking to much of the future, and not enough on whatever my current needs were.
3. Push boundaries. The rewards are in crossing the lines not staying in them.
4. Be honest, not only to yourself but to others. Nothing is gained by keeping secrets.
5. Don’t fight to keep people in your life, the door should always be open. People should want to stay, not feel forced to stay.
6.If you want to experience a sense of freedom, I found New York City offers it. But it’s expensive, so make sure you’re rich… or you’ll find yourself a slave to the city. L.A. is the city of dreams, but they sometimes come at a sacrifice of reality… don’t take reality for granted.
7. No matter how much you know, someone else knows more. Nothing makes you look like an ass quicker than being smug about how much you know or by trying to be right. If you know you’re right, it shouldn’t matter what the other person thinks….save yourself from being labeled a dick.
8. Being pretty opens doors. Having a personality and integrity keeps them open.
9.When stopped by police officers do not make comments about their donut breath.
10. When traveling, you never need more than two jeans three shirts and a dozen undergarments. Don’t ever let that stop you from packing your whole closet… having options should always be an option.
11. When you walk into a room, own it. Take the time to say hi to everyone. Everyone deserves a hi… even the waiters, the cleaners, everyone. You set the tone for how people perceive you.
12. Can’t say enough about acknowledgement of mankind. I get that you can’t always give a penny, or that sometimes you just don’t want to give a penny… but always give eye contact. The person asking is human, they exist and they deserve acknowledgement.
13. Success can come without struggle. However, I found that I’ve held on longer to the success that came with struggle.
14. Don’t compare yourself to others, you will never win. It’s easier to be liked for your uniqueness than your commonality.
15. Go watch a movie by yourself and have a dinner at a fancy restaurant by yourself. I found the first made me pay better attention to what I was watching, and the latter helped me appreciate future conversations at the dinner table.
16. There is no need to explain yourself. A No is sufficient. Be sure of yourself.
17. If you find yourself complaining more than you are thanking…. there’s something wrong, and it’s you. You always have the power to change your situation. Your blessings should always outnumber your stresses.
18. Meditation is hard. But living with a foggy mind is harder… Zen it out.
20.It’s easier to breathe and be yourself when you don’t have a girdle suffocating you.
21. I’ve never regretted not getting drunk or high. I found I’ve had more fun in life than those friends who chose to drink and smoke the night away.
22. It’s never too late to start again.
23. You’re worth 3x more than you think.
24. As you get older you appreciate the finer things in life… so save some of that party money so your old ass can buy some fancy shoes.
25. It always feels nice to be paid compliments on your beauty… I found I appreciate them more than the compliments given to me on my intelligence. As you get older you find you want to work less to get said compliments. With age comes the wisdom that you can look like crap and people even it’s from pity will always compliment because they feel compelled. I’ve learned I’m not above pity compliments…. so compliment away…